


Lions in Her Den

by TeamGwenee



Series: The Lannister Group Chat [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Lannister Family Hijinks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25205347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGwenee/pseuds/TeamGwenee
Summary: Brienne's group chat is invaded by Lannister Lions.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: The Lannister Group Chat [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1830853
Comments: 19
Kudos: 140





	Lions in Her Den

Brienne: No Mr Lannister, I will not give you access to my medical records and I will not begin recording my monthly courses for your examination. I will ask you how you managed to get into this chat?

Tywin: Arya Stark invited me.

Brienne: Dammit Arya. Fine. Tell Arya I am opening a new group chat, and inviting neither of you.

Tywin: The young Ms Stark recognised you might do that, and suggested that if you did I could simply have her younger brother gain access. Apparently he is a gifted hacker.

Brienne: ….But I let them play with my sword collection. 

Tywin: I gave them access to one of my personal chauffeurs. So far, Sandor Clegane has escorted them to fencing practise, to rock climbing, to the cinema, the bowling alley and the Bay of Ice Cream.

Brienne: I can’t believe they betrayed me like that. For a chauffeur? That’s just devious.

Tywin: Indeed.

Tywin:Do you think the Starks would swap them in exchange for Cersei and Joffrey?

#

Cersei: Look. I don’t know who you are or what strange hold you have over Jaime, but you will end things with him now.

Brienne: Really? Another Lannister? Which one are you? 

Cersei: I’m his sister!

Brienne: I know you care deeply for your brother’s welfare, but I assure you, I vow I will do everything possible to make him happy.

Cersei: I know! That’s the problem!

Brienne:...Your problem is that your brother is _too_ happy?

Cersei: Yes!

#

Tywin: It is not that Cersei and Joffrey cannot be cunning, and they are certainly ruthless. But they lack wisdom and restraint. I can make Arya and Brandon my new apprentices.

Brienne: I don’t think the Starks will be happy to offer up their twelve and ten year old in exchange for Joffrey and Cersei.

Tywin: In fairness….Joffrey isn’t all that bad. He makes a good chocolate souffle.

Brienne: They’re still twelve and ten.

Tywin: Exactly. I could mould them in my own image. Raise them to be fierce and brutal. Before their foolish parents have the chance to fill their heads with puerile teachings of honour and justice and legality. Like their eldest. The youngest boy seems somewhat savage, but he could be a useful enforcer.

Brienne: I really don’t think the Starks would want their children to be raised in your image.

Tywin: I won’t take all their children.

Tywin: They can keep Sansa. 

#

Myrcella: It would be really cool to have another female presence in my life. Mum is...indisposed, more often than not. Aunt Dorna is always busy with my cousins, and Aunt Genna is great but she talks to me like I’m eight and keeps giving me advice about how to manipulate men using my feminine wiles.

Brienne:....While talking to you like you are still _eight_?

Myrcella: Exactly! It’s like, one or the other. _Please_. 

  
  


#

  
  


Brienne: If you want my medical records so badly, why don’t you just have Bran Stark hack into my gynaecologist’s computer?

Tywin: I asked him. He refused on the grounds it was ‘icky girl stuff’, and then he pulled a face. The boy has a dead frog in his drawer.

Brienne: Catelyn has been wondering what that smell was.

#

  
  


Joffrey: You’re an ugly bitch and you will never belong in this family.

Brienne: Your brother and sister seem to like me.

Joffrey: Myrcella’s a girl and Tommen is as soft as a ball of melting butter.

Brienn: Is it true you make a good chocolate souffle?

Joffrey: Who told you that!?

Brienne: Your Grandfather.

Joffrey: ….Grandpapa likes my souffle?

#

Tommen: And in this video, Ser Pounce faces down a tiny direwolf stuffed with catnip. He’s wearing his tiny lion’s mane.

Brienne: A direwolf cat toy? I don’t think I have ever seen one of those before.

Tommen: Grandpapa had it made. And the lion’s mane. When he babysits he likes to watch Ser Pounce savage it.

#

Tyrion: We’re eating it now. Dad was right. Joffrey really does make a good souffle. I always thought chocolate souffles tasted too much like a chocolate cake gone wrong but this….loving this.

Jaime: I can’t believe someone so despicable made something so divine.

Tyrion: It happens more often than you think. Fuck this thing is good.

Jaime: You know, I might have a new favourite snephew.

Brienne: Snephew?

Jaime: A son and a nephew.

Brienne: Oh.

Tyrion: And the raspberry coulis is perfect. Sweet, but with the right amount of tartness.

Brienne: Actually, can we just rewind back to that snephew thing?

#

Arya: Myrcella and Tommen are ok. I used to hang out with them when Sansa and Joffrey were dating.

Arya: Joffrey’s a right prick.

Brienne: I still haven’t forgiven you for inviting Tywin into the chat. I let you play with my swords.

Arya: You will when I tell you what Joffrey calls his ‘sword’.

Brienne: What?

Arya: Sansa told me after they broke up. He called it Hearteater. 

Brienne: Really?

Arya: Oh, Jon named his as well. Ygritte told me. He called it Longclaw. 

Brienne: Ugh.

Arya: Robb and Theon are worse. They gave their's a joint name. _Starkjoy_. 

Arya: >:P

Brienne: I was hoping it was just a Lannister thing.

Arya: No, lots of people do it.

Arya: Wait..does that mean Jaime named his? 

Arya: Brienne?

Arya: Brienne? What did Jaime call his _sword_?

#

Jaime: So, you have chatted with my family.

Brienne: I have.

Jaime: Apologies.

Brienne: Myrcella and Tommen are sweet. I would like to get to know them better. Apparently Myrcella was very approving of my suit of armour.

  
Jaime: She was very enthusiastic. She suggested the details of the sunbursts forming lion manes.

Brienne: They’re exquisite, truly.

Jaime: But I chose the colour. I’m glad you like the children. It makes me hope that Lannister blood isn’t a poison to kindness, and Lannisters can grow into good people.

Brienne: I think you’re a good man. 

Brienne: I know it.

Jaime:.....

Jaime:.....

Tyrion: Hi Brienne. Jaime had to step away from his phone for a second and collect himself. Just give him ten minutes. What did you say to him?

Brienne: Only that he’s a good man.

Tyrion: Actually, better give him twenty.


End file.
